Christmas with the Lipskys
by Ryan Phelan
Summary: My first holiday fic!  Drakken and Shego face their greatest challenge yet...a day with Drakken's family.  (And you thought taking over the world was tough)!


**Disclaimer: All of the characters portrayed in the following story are owned by the Disney Corporation. I did make up a few of them, but since they stem from original Kim Possible characters I suppose Disney owns them by default (I dunno, I'm not a lawyer). I'm not interested in profit or copyrights, I just want to write. So without further ado, I present…**

**Christmas With The Lipskys**

"Well, here we are," Drakken said to Shego, turning off the engine. They sat in the car looking at the house in front of them. Every inch was dripping with Christmas decorations; a life-sized Santa and his reindeer adorned the roof, while a family of plastic snowmen and a nativity scene covered the front lawn. The entire house, along with every single piece of shrubbery, was choked with multicolored Christmas lights. Both Shego and Drakken dreaded what lay beyond the front door, and each waited for the other to make the first move; ten minutes of silent staring later Shego spoke up.

"I can't do this. I'm leaving." She reached for the door handle but Drakken quickly punched the button that instantly locked them all.

"Shego, you can't back out on me now! You promised!" Drakken cried.

"That's the great thing about being a villain," Shego replied. "Promises mean nothing."

"Come on, you're the biggest, baddest mercenary in the world! I've seen you reduce highly trained military commandos to quivering blobs of jelly! If anyone can handle this you can!"

"Forget it, Dr. D! I've been through this sort of thing before. There are some places you never ever want to revisit, and this is at the top of the list!"

"I never thought I'd see the day," Drakken said, shaking his head. "You're wimping out!"

"I'm not wimping out!" Shego snapped. "Just because I don't want to do it…"

"Don't, or can't because you're too scared?" Drakken smirked.

"I know what you're doing, Dr. Drakken," Shego snapped. "Reverse psychology isn't going to work!"

"Darn, you got me," Drakken sighed. "I should have known you were too smart for that old trick. I guess I'll have to do this alone." He got out of the car and walked towards the house.

_Idiot,_ Shego thought. _If he wants to go through with this, then whatever happens to him is his own fault! It's not brave, it's stupid! And I don't do stupid things! But…I do bail him out on a daily basis. It's my job. I guess I'm going in after all. I'm not trying to prove I'm not a wimp, I'm just doing my job._" By the time Drakken reached the doorstep, she wasat his side.

"Shego?" Drakken said.

"You forgot the package," Shego said matter-of-factly, holding out a white box wrapped in a red bow.

Drakken grinned and took the box. He then rang the doorbell; moments later it opened and the pair was greeted by a short sixty-something woman with a pile of red hair almost as tall as herself.

"Drewbie!" She cried. "You made it!"

"Of course I made it, mother," Drakken smiled, giving her a quick peck on the cheek. "Merry Christmas!"

Mrs. Lipsky quickly ushered them inside. "Don't you look festive, dear," she said to Shego. "But you need a splash of red." Before Shego could respond Ms. Lipsky plopped a Santa hat on her head. "There! You look adorable!"

"Yay," Shego muttered. She walked past the older woman into the living room and stopped cold. Inside was every member of Drakken's extended family, all of whom were wearing over-the-top holiday sweaters and either Santa hats or reindeer antlers on their heads. They turned their attention to the new arrival, their eyes lighting up as if Santa himself had just walked in.

"MERRY CHRISTMAS!!" They bellowed, nearly knocking Shego off her feet. She resisted the urge to flee only because Drakken was deliberately blocking the door, using his mother for additional fodder.

"I'm so glad you two were able to make it," Mrs. Lipsky said. "It's not every year the entire Lipsky family gathers under one roof!"

"Thank goodness," Drakken muttered, now sporting a pair of antlers. His mother took him and Shego by the arm and led them further into the belly of the beast. "Sheila!"Mrs. Lipskyyelled to her sister-in-law. "Drewbie's here! And he brought his little girlfriend!"

"Mother!" Drakken cried, his cheeks turning pink. "I told you, we're just friends!"

"Really?" Sheila smiled, grabbing Shego from Mrs. Lipsky. "You have to meet my son!" She dragged Shego over to a tall, pimply, barely legal young man in a bulky Frosty the Snowman sweater and a Santa hat. "Stu honey, say hello to Shego."

"Hi," he said his voice cracking.

"Hi," Shego replied.

"Well, I'll leave you two to talk," Shelia said with a wink. She disappeared into the crowd.

"You're pretty," Stu grinned.

"Thanks."

A minute of silence followed.

"So…" Stu said.

"So…" Shego echoed.

"You wanna play Magic the Gathering?"

"No thanks."

"Wanna go out back and chuck rocks at squirrels?"

"No."

"Wanna see my bug collection?" Stu reached under his sweater and pulled out a wooden box with a glass top. Meanwhile on the other side of the room Drakken was engaged in an equally awkward conversation with his second cousin Lou.

"So, Drew, your mother tells me you have a radio show or something," Lou said.

"That's right." Drakken replied.

"What's it about?"

"Um…well, you know…a little of everything."

"I'm afraid I don't follow. Do you mean it's a talk show?"

"Exactly," Drakken exclaimed. "That's what we do, we talk about things!"

"What things? Politics? Society's ills? Or are you one of those lame morning talk shows that engage in pointless banter and juvenile pranks?"

"No! It's about important things! Things like world domination!" Drakken said the first thing that popped into his head.

"Really?" Lou said, raising an eyebrow. "Do tell."

"This one's Heather," Stu said, pointing to a beetle. "This one's Jane, this one's Lucy…"

"Do you always carry your insect collection around with you?" Shego asked.

"Of course! They're my girls," Stu replied. He pointed to a large spider with a yellow abdomen and long slender legs. "This one's my favorite. I haven't named her yet, but I think I'll call her Shego."

"Okay, I gotta go…somewhere else," Shego said, backing away. She turned and literally bumped into another man, one that was much older, fatter, balder and reeked of eggnog. His sweater sported a picture of Rudolph, complete with a light bulb nose that glowed bright red, and a pair of antlers.

"Well hello there," he said, grasping Shego's hand. "I don't believe we've met. I'm Mel Lipsky."

"Shego."

"What a lovely name! Very…exotic. So, are you a Lipsky by blood or marriage?" He asked Shego's chest.

"Neither. I'm a friend of Dr. Dra- I mean Drew," Shego replied, still trying to pry her hand from his sweaty meat hook.

"Great! Whaddaya say we blow this joint and go someplace private?" Mel leered. At that Shego freed her hand with a quick energy burst; Mel yelped in pain and jumped back, crashing into the buffet table and spilling several entrees. Several people stopped their conversations and stared; out of the crowed stepped a clean-shaven young man in a tasteful red sweater and no headgear.

"Mel you rascal! No more eggnog for you!" The young man scolded lightheartedly. "Why don't you go sit down and enjoya hot cup of joe?" He poured a cup of coffee and handed it to a shaken Mel, whonodded and wandered off. Everyone else went back to their business.

"Thanks," Shego said. "Another minute and I would have…let's just say it wouldn't have been in keeping with the holiday spirit."

"No problem," the young man grinned. "Mel's social skills are stuck in prehistoric times."

"Tell me about it," Shego laughed. "I'm Shego, by the way."

"Andrew Lipsky." The two shook hands. "So, Shego, I hope you won't think me too forward, but would you like to grab something to eat and find a nice quiet place to talk?"

"Sure," Shego replied. The two of them grabbed plates and made their way down the table. Shego couldn't help but notice how nicely Andrew filled out his sweater, the tight fabric neatly outlining every contour in his firm muscles. Maybe the day wouldn't be a complete waste of time after all.

"Ready?" Andrew asked, snapping Shego out of her daydream.

"Sure," Shego smiled. The two of them wandered around looking for an open spot. "So Andrew, what do you do when you're not rescuing people from annoying jerks?"

"I sell life insurance," Andrew replied. "Do you have life insurance?"

"Um…no," Shego replied with apprehension.

"No?! Well, it's a good thing I ran into you! We will have to talk about that! Did you know that only 10 of all Americans between the ages of 18 and 39 have life insurance?!"

At that moment Shego considered making up an excuse to get out of eating with Andrew but thought better of it; the way her luck was going she would run into an even worse guy, and she shuddered to think of what could be worse than an insurance salesman. "Out of the frying pan…" Shego groaned.

"…And into the fire!" Drakken cried. "So after we decide which world leaders should be shot into the sun, we talk about what should happen to their countries! People frown upon dictatorships, but really, what is so bad about them? They're far more efficient than democracies!" Drakken was completely caught up in his lie, and he had the full attention of Lou and several others.

"How controversial!" Lou said. "You make Howard Stern look like Rush Limbaugh!"

"That's my Drewbie!" Mrs. Lipsky said. "Honey, did you know your cousin Lou owns several radio stations? Maybe he could get you a syndication deal!"

"I must admit your format intrigues me," Lou said. "I would like to listen to your program, Drew. What station are you on?"

"I…well…" Drakken stammered. "I don't think I'm interested in syndication."

"Are you serious?" Lou blinked. "Come on, man, don't you have any ambition?!"

"I do! It's just that…I'm very busy, you see, and…"

"Don't be ridiculous, Drew!" Mrs. Lipsky said. "This is a once in a lifetime opportunity! What is the problem?!"

"It's just that…" Drew gulped, his mind going a mile a minute. Then it hit him, the one excuse his mother would buy. "A syndication deal would eat up all of my free time. How will I find a nice girl, settle down, and start producing grandchildren if I'm always working?"

"Of course! How silly of me!" Mrs. Lipsky said. "There's more to life than work! Sorry, Lou, but we're not interested." Lou and the rest of the crowd dispersed. Drakken sighed with relief, but to his mother it sounded like disappointment.

"Don't worry honey," she said, patting her son's arm. "You were right to turn that down. Finding your soul mate is much more important."

"That it is, mother, that it is," Drakken smiled.

"That's why I'm going to help you!" Ms. Lipsky exclaimed. "From now on I'm dedicating my life to helping you find a woman! We'll have you married off in no time!"

"How…wonderful," Drakken said, his feeling of relief sinking to his feet along with his stomach.

"Aunt Judy's stepdaughter Angela is single," Mrs. Lipsky said. "And she's here! Let's go find her!"

"Why not?" Drakken groaned.

"I'll tell you why not! Because they didn't have insurance!" Andrew exclaimed, waving around a forkful of potato. "So instead of enjoying her retirement in a Miami condo, Mrs. Brown will be working the lunch line in a high school cafeteria until the day she dies!"

"How tragic," Shego sighed. She poked at her quiche.

"Not hungry, huh? I don't blame you. It makes me sick too. That's why you should buy insurance now. My company has several attractive policies that…"

"Time for gifts!" Sheila yelled, commanding everyone's attention. "This year my Stubie's name was pulled out of the hat. He'll be Gift Man. Now all we need is Bow Girl. Let's see…" she pretended to look around until her eyes fell on Shego. "How about you, Shego?"

"Me? Bow Girl?" Shego blinked. "What is that?"

"It's a Lipsky family tradition, and a great honor! Trust me, dear, you'll love it!" Sheila said as she gently pulled on Shego's arm. Reluctantly Shego allowed herself to be led to the seat on Stu's right; to his left was a pile of brightly wrapped presents.

"Together again," Stu grinned. "It must be fate."

"Fate has a sick sense of humor," Shego muttered under her breath. "So what exactly do I do here?"

"Just relax, my pet, and let me do all the work," Stu said in a deeper voice. He plucked a gift off the top and looked at the card. "Lois!" He cried. A plump silver-haired woman stepped forward and took her gift. She pulled off the bow and stuck it to Shego's hat.

"What was that?" Shego asked in disbelief.

"You are Bow Girl, keeper of the bows!" Stu said. "And I am Gift Man! Together we bring Christmas to the whole family, just like super heroes! Isn't tradition great?!"

"It's wonderful!" Drakken exclaimed. "I never thought I'd meet anyone who shares my views on widows and orphans!"

"I know what you mean," Angela laughed. "Usually when I tell people those moochers should be put to work I get the strangest looks. Come on! Just because they don't have parents or whatever doesn't mean they shouldn't pull their own weight!"

Drakken and Angela were in the kitchen, where they were making fresh coffee and heating up Angela's homemade brisket. In the next room the chatter grew louder as people clamored over the gifts, but Drakken heard none of it; his full attention was directed at the lovely blonde smiling at him.

"Angela, I'm so glad my mother introduced us," Drakken said. "Usually I dread fix-ups but..."

"I feel the same way!" Angela exclaimed. "I didn't even want to come here today! My stepmother is such a sweet person that it gets to be a bit much. I was afraid spending a whole afternoon with a houseful of her relatives would give me diabetes or something!"

"I understand completely," Drakken grinned. "I myself don't attend many family functions. My very busy schedule leaves me very little free time, plus I don't have much in common with them. Sometimes it really bothers me…if I don't fit in with my own family, where in this big lonely world do I belong?"

"I think a lot of people feel that way," Angela replied. "I'm the odd duck of my family because of my controversial views. But like you said, it's a big world. There's a place for everyone."

"I suppose you're right," Drakken said. He wondered what made him share something so personal with a woman he'd just met. Yet, at the same time he felt like he'd known her all his life. He hadn't felt this comfortable around a woman since…

Shego stomped into the kitchen covered in bows. "Dr. Drakken can we PLEASE leave?!" She cried. "I've had all the holiday cheer I can handle for one year!"

"Shego can't you see I'm engaged? In conversation, I mean," Drakken added quickly. He turned back to Angela. "So, about those controversial views…how do you feel about using humans for unorthodox scientific experiments?"

"I say use homeless people. That would solve two problems at once!"

"Where have you been all my life?!" Drakken said. The two laughed; both of them seemed to forget about Shego.

"Fine," Shego snapped. "If you need me, I'll be in the car." She stormed out of the kitchen, pushed her way through the crowd in the living room and reached the front door. "Drakken hitting it off with a pretty girl," she muttered. "They must be wearing long underwear down in…"

She was about to reach for the knob when the door suddenly flew open and she found herself face-to-face with Motor Ed.

"Shego!" He cried. "What are you doing here?! Seriously."

"I have no idea," Shego groaned. "Seriously."

"Aw, I missed presents," Ed said, looking over her new accessories. "Oh well. Why don't I say a quick Merry Christmas to the fam and we go somewhere and catch up?"

"Sure," Shego sighed. It beat sitting in the car in the freezing cold. And compared to the other male relatives, Ed was practically normal.

----------

Ten minutes later Shego and Ed were sitting on the basement steps enjoying some hot chocolate in relative privacy. Shego filled him in everything that happened before his arrival, from Stu to Andrew to handing out presents as Bow Girl.

"Sounds like I got here just in time. Seriously." Ed took a drink from his mug. "So Shego, what brings you to casa de Lipsky? You and my cousin an item? I always wondered about you two. Seriously."

"Bleah! No way!" Shego replied. "Drakken just didn't want to come here by himself so he begged me to come with."

"What about your family?" Ed asked. "Don't they do the Christmas thing?"

"Yes! They love Christmas. I'm just not interested."

"Why? Christmas is cool! Seriously."

"Maybe for you, but I'll take basking on a tropical beach over singing off-key Christmas carols any day!" Shego sipped her coco.

"But why?" Ed persisted. "It only comes around once a year and…"

"Look, if you must know, it's because the whole thing would be a complete joke!" Shego snapped. "My brothers are super heroes. I am a super villain. Unlike Drakken, I refuse to put on a happy smile and pretend to be something I'm not just for the sake of some overly hyped, totally commercialized sham holiday!"

"Okay, so why are you here? If my family is no different from your family, then why not go to the Bahamas or something?"

"I told you, Drakken begged me to come."

"Nah, it's gotta be more than that. Seriously. You put up with a lot of stuff you hate just for him. That's something most people usually only do for family."

"What are you talking about?" Shego huffed. "He's my boss, that's all."

"Really?" Ed smirked. "Let's review. You live together, you work together, and you often engage in witty banter. That makes you either a couple, or brother and sister, or maybe even father and daughter. Seriously."

"Interesting. Now let me tell you why that's a load of…"

"Spider silk!" Angela said. "That's brilliant! You're a real visionary, Drew."

"Angela, I never believed in fate until this moment," Drakken said, gazing deeply into Angela's eyes. "I have always been a man of science, never believing in the things science can't explain. But now," he gulped. "Now…"

"Oh Drew," Angela said. "I think you're special too. Your ideas on how to change the world are bold and refreshing. But…"

"But?" Drakken echoed, his heart sinking.

"But it's just talk. I need a man of action, and I've met just such a man online. His name is Professor Dementor…"

"What?! I don't believe it! You're actually admitting I'm right?!" Motor Ed exclaimed.

"Yes, as much as I hate to say it, you're right," Shego sighed. "I guess in a weird sort of way, Drakken is family. And that makes his family my family. Sort of."

"Exactly! You don't have to be related to be family. Family is the people you care about."

"Somebody's been watching too many Christmas specials," Shego remarked.

"Just because it comes from the mouth of a cartoon snowman doesn't mean it isn't true." Ed replied. "You could learn a lot from them."

"I guess I could have been a little more pleasant," Shego reluctantly admitted. "After all, it's just one day a year."

"Hey, it's cool. What's Christmas without a grinch?"

"SHEGO! WE"RE LEAVING!" Drakken's voice rattled the house.

"I guess we're leaving," Shego said, getting to her feet. "Merry Christmas, Ed."

"Merry Christmas, babe." Ed said. "Seriously."

----------

A few minutes later Drakken and Shego were on their way. Drakken was staring intently at the road and muttering to himself.

"Things didn't work out with Angela, huh?" Shego asked, even though she knew the answer.

"I don't want to talk about it!" Drakken snapped. "I just want to get home! We must plan for tomorrow night."

"Why? What are we doing tomorrow night?"

"Same thing we do every night, Shego. Try to take over the world!"

"Whatever you say, dad."

"What?" Drakken looked at her.

"Nothing," Shego said. She put her seat back and closed her eyes. Behind them, the sun set on yet another Christmas.

THE END

**Happy Holidays!**


End file.
